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Home / STORIES  / CHHAVI VASHIST : The feeling of self doubt, inadequacy, ineptitude & frustration!
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CHHAVI VASHIST : The feeling of self doubt, inadequacy, ineptitude & frustration!

Nothing prepares you more for the journey of pregnancy and motherhood than the actual experience. No matter how much you may read and fortify yourself, you are still stumped in real life.

 

I had a lot of time on my hands during those 9 months, so I planned each and everything in detail. It helped that a lot of my friends had just gone through it so I got real life advice from them.By the 6th month ,I had everything ready from a breast pump to nipple shields to a million swaddles. We even designed our own crib cause I felt that the ones in the market were too flimsy and I wanted something which the baby will use till he was 5(illusions soon to be shattered!).

 

We also had the baby gym and high chair ready. I had two bags ready for the hospital with a detailed list of what’s in each one of them. I had tagged everything I thought was going to be needed and neatly arranged the baby’s clothes as per the time period it would be required in. As per my understanding new born clothes for the first 15 days and 0-3 months clothes for after. I had hand written menus for my mother or my mother in law to get the cook to make when I was in the hospital or home busy cuddling with the baby. I had ordered special creams and potions and what not from the USA for my baby’s and my bum.

 

I contemplated for days and nights weather we needed to buy a diaper table. In the end I made my husband move his writing table to our room and created an elaborate diaper changing station. I had a clear picture of the first time we will bring the baby home. I had bought two outfits complete with caps and mittens for the baby’s official greh pravesh!

 

Every need and eventuality had been thought through, cataloged carefully, spoken about, explained to my partner.

 

And when the baby arrived all planning went down the gutter.

 

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The breast pump was not strong enough for those initial days, I used shields so there was no use of the nipple creams, the onsies I had bought were useless cause we needed to dress him up in full sleeves and full legged clothes, the caps were gigantic on his head, the swaddles were not enough! My folks in search of something or the other mixed up all the carefully tagged clothes.

 

On the second night home, me the inept new mommy decided to let the daddy get his sleep and do all the diaper- shiaper change myself. Well..the first time I didn’t fasten the diaper properly and the poop leaked out on his clothes. The second time I was too eager to change and baby projectile pooped on me! The next time he peed on himself, then I wet his clothes cause of my overeager milk glands. By the morning we didn’t have any clean or dry clothes left to change into that actually fit him because the baby had changed around 12 sleepsuits in a day.

 

I stepped out of the room and I cried because I felt that I hadn’t prepared enough. I cried because I still had baby poo on my shirt. I cried because I hadn’t slept. I cried because I thought after everything I wasn’t able to give the best to the baby. I made my husband run and get some new clothes and after all this they lasted him for a week!

 

But don’t worry !

 

“This self doubt, feeling of inadequacy, ineptitude and frustration lasts only for the first two to four weeks because after that you and your baby become the BOSS at feeding pooping and sleeping! Well For a while at least!”

 

Then sleep regression and growth spurts and teething comes..but that’s for another time and place!

 

 

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