The day I found out that you were on the way, was one of the single most amazing moments of my life. The other one was ofcourse when you arrived all doe eyed in your tiny kicking glory. Ten fingers. Ten toes. 7 pounds. Love. Just big fat love!
It was such an engulfing feeling of unabashed love. I could finally put a face to the tenant from my tummy! And what a face it was!
Last week you turned 6 months new my love! These six months flew by in all the normal clichéd ways but they have been the most magical six months ever not to mention incredibly challenging and so so busy! You have now begun to recognise your own name and seemed to have realised that your roommates for the last 6 months are named Mama & Dada! You love grabbing everything within range without discrimination or regard for your safety or mine sometimes! Looovveeeee being tickled and tossed up in the air and coo at birds and bright colours! Keeping you in one place has become increasingly difficult,with you army crawling your way everywhere! Baths are still the best time of the day for US! You my little bugaboo are already 6 months new and how!
I refused to believe it when moms said ‘I don’t know where the time went by’, but now when I look in the mirror at my unkempt unwashed hair and my unmade bed I realise I owe them an apology! It is actually entirely possible to miss a whole morning just because you were laughing at my peek-a-boos or because I decided to snuggle next to you instead of having a bath!
But let me just say that I had no idea that this level of peace and uneasiness could exist inside the same body at the same time. I stress so much less about everything else in the world and yet wake up with nightmares that something has happened to you at least once a week. Thank god my general state of worry has diminished now at 6 months though, life feels less fragile than it did four months ago.
Over the course of our 9 months of sheer joy and anticipation when you were a bun in the oven and then 6 months of absolute exhaustion laced with more joy and happiness, I realised, that motherhood is not a feeling at all, infact it is an emotion! One that overcomes you with so much gusto that everything else just becomes a footnote. It is a choice that you make every single day for the rest of your life to put someone else’s happiness ahead of yours. To always try hard to do the right thing, sometimes even when you aren’t sure what the right thing is. And to forgive yourself over and over again for doing absolutely everything wrong!
Being a mom opened my eyes to the small joys in life again! Your tiny hands that always cling on to my tshirts, the tiny feet that play the drum beat on my tummy everytime I have to change your diaper!
The little smiles that started showing at 2 months. Oh! What all I used to do to make you smile again. The 4 am snuggles and the cold night cuddles. The way your face lights up when I enter the room and the silent adoring cooing because I left you alone for ten whole minutes. In those tiny sparkling eyes and the huge toothless grins I see my whole world.
We are growing up together you and me, seeing the world through each others eyes! Every morning is a new one and every day is a new adventure. And then there are times when you make me want to give up, when you absolutely make me rethink my sanity.
But then in all that turmoil you look at me and smile and grab my face with your tiny chubby hands and coo in the sweetest voice you can muster, all my anguish disappears,I am swept over by this wave of overwhelming love(the internet tells me that this feeling is apparently the result of oxytocin.) and I remember the vow I made to you,
‘To love and to hold, in sickness and in health, from that day on till forever on!’