I hated you. You steal dreams. You break hearts. You bring grief. You consume lives. You are the reason I couldn’t get pregnant on my own. You drowned my heart in misery from the inability to become a Mother how most women do. You told me that my body wasn’t good enough. You may have been a huge part of my story, but you never defined me. I kicked your ass. I defeated you. I showed you that there is victory in infertility and God finally planted life in my womb.
Infertility, there are so many things you brought with you when you entered my life. It wasn’t just that I couldn’t get pregnant. You brought me more tears than I ever thought I could shed. Because of you I laid on my bathroom floor in complete emptiness after countless negative pregnancy tests time and time again.
I had to endure shots, bruises, and all kinds of meds because when you are infertile and you seek fertility treatment for help that is what you are in for. You are expensive and exhausting physically, emotionally, and mentally. Infertility, you drowned my heart in disappointment and agony. And truthfully, it was pretty painful every time I heard the words “I’m pregnant” from someone other than myself. And yet, in the midst of all of that-you brought me hope.
As much as I hated you, Infertility, I am also so thankful that you were my story. You made me strong. Even before I got pregnant, my strength was rising. Not only did I feel like Superwoman after all of those injections, meds, blood draws, doctor visits, etc. but I found strength emotionally, as well. I learned how to be brave and walk our story with faith trusting that God knew every single detail better than I did. You were my ashes, but God made you beautiful. If it wasn’t for you-for the extreme heartache you caused me, the lies you told me, the grief you brought my heart over and over again.
Hope does not disappoint. Hope is having faith for what seems impossible. It is trusting God when it feels hopeless. Infertility, today, when I really reflect on those years when you were apart of my life, all I can say is Thank You!